17 Oct 2015

Bar Talk

                         Bar Talk


-Can I ask you something Mick?
-Well you can ask.
-Just between meself and yourself.
-Always.
-Not to leave this bar.
-Of course.
-In confidence like.
-Jaysus Joe will you just bleedin’ spit it out.
-Eh does your missis ever ask you to do anything -how can I put this - saucy in the bedroom?
-Saucy?
-You know kinky.
-Like what?
-I don’t know, to try something...different.
-Weird shit like?
-No not weird as such just...
-Like a threesome or something?
-No, god no...well not unless it was a really foxy boiler with big jelliers, then maybe I’d think about it.
-What if it was another bloke?
-Ah fuck no, not in a bleedin’ million.  --Looking at some hairy arsed fucker riding me missis, no bloody way.
-What if it wasn’t your missis he wanted to ride?
-Ah now ask me bollix Mick, you always have to go that one step too far.
-Well you never know.
-I do know, ok!
-Well...
-OK!
-Ok relax I got it, so what are we talking about then?
-I don’t know like tying each other up and some of that whipping malarkey.
-Oh!  Ah yeah myself and Una do a bit of that every now and again, you know for special occasions - anniversaries and birthdays and shit.
-Really?
-Ah yeah Joe, sure you have to.
-Are you winding me up?
-No, look mate this is not the dark ages where women just lay on their backs and -let you get on with your business, birds nowadays like to be satisfied too.
-Well fuck me pink.
-Una loves it, has all her little sexy dress up outfits and all.
-Fuck off!
-Seriously, little skimpy nurses costume, French maid...
-That’s it I’ll never be able to look that girl in the eye again.
-It’s deadly, love a bit of role play me.
-I must be living down a hole or something, I can’t believe this.  I thought my Viv’s menopause was kicking in when she suggested it.
-I remember this one time, I’d had a bastard of a week in work.  I was like a walking bastard, all the wrong windows were delivered for a job I was working on and I couldn’t finish the job or get paid until the right one’s arrived.
-Typical!
-I know, stopped using that crowd after that I tell you.  Anyway it was Friday bout 6 and all I wanted to do was have a shower, order a Chinese, have a few cans and maybe if I was really lucky get a quick hand shandy off Una before bed.
-Paradise!
-Ah stop will ya, the perfect night in.
-What happened?
-I opened the door and the house was in complete darkness.
-At 6?
-Yeah it was winter.
-Ah right, yeah it’d be well dark be then alright.
-Anyway, all the way up the stairs on every second step she’d put a tea light.
-What’s a tea light when it’s at home?
-Those little roundy candles.
-Oh those feckin’ yokes.  My Viv’s obsessed with them, bloody fire hazard if you ask me.
-Then on the landing leading all the way to the bedroom.
-Where were the kids?
-Una had brought them to her Ma’s after school for a sleepover.
-I see, just as well with all those candles.
When I opened the bedroom door, there was my Una draped across the bed, dressed head to toe in a skin tight black pvc cat suit, with...wait for this...matching whip.
-Fuck right off!
-God’s honest truth, I nearly creamed me bleedin’ trousers on the spot.
-I can imagine.  What happened then?
-What do you think happened?
-I don’t know!
-Ah Jaysus Joe use your imagination.
-Me imagination is running riot at the moment.
-Well let’s just say we didn’t play tiddlywinks.
-Yeah!  No! Jaysus!
-Beats a six pack of dutchie and a chingers any day I tell ya.
-Right!
-Well that shut you up, don’t think I’ve ever seen you lost for words before Joe.
-I just never thought about any of that stuff before, thought it was just for those dirty films you know!
-Not at all, sure it’s all the rage these days, especially since all that 50 shades shite.
-What’s that?
-The dirty book all the aulwans are reading.
-Never heard of it.
-You really have been living down a hole.
-Must be!
-Made S&M very popular indeed so it has.  Boilers all around the world are horny as fuck reading it and who are the ones benefiting as a result?
-Who?
-The husbands of course!
-I see.
-Here where are you going?
-Eh I’m heading off.
-But it’s your round.
-Yeah fair enough, there’s a fiver - I have to go.
-Well that’s a first.
-What’s that?
-You leaving half a pint behind.  You not feeling well?
-Never been better Mick me aul mate.
-If you say so.
-Here Mick.
-What?
What time does the library close at?
-Huh!
-Never mind...........


Lorna xxx

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